mine

2008-08-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

..but i keep climbing and hoping things would change;and the sky turns grey and the water from the rain washed progress away..

can't wait to lay my hands on usher's brilliancy (:

2008-08-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

my fingers scrolled in a circulatory motion as my sleepy eyes struggled to follow through those familiar titles in my list of music videos.

gravity by embrace

unlike any other chilly Sunday evenings where i would just retire under the covers,making attempts to mimic Danny McNamara's acute Briton accent;i just lay still and stared blankly at my ceiling.

i have got so much thinking in my head now and i must say it's not easy to express them all in literal sense.how i wished someone could just be around to hear me out.someone,somebody.could it be you,you or even you?

perhaps, you,who'd be celebrating your twentieth while greeting your new school semester later today,would be nice.after all,you're the one who stood by the man with the guitar and the mike stand (:

stuck in reverse.

2008-07-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

we were ~~inches~~ miles apart

2008-05-25T02:55:00.000-07:00

uber unfit

2008-05-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

and so,after tomorrow's parade,members of NS03/08 would no longer be addressed by regular officers as trainees.special constables,they'd be calling us.some would also attain their corporal ranks on the very day tomorrow.but sadly,it'd also mark the end of our basic training,after tomorrow,we'd be parting ways,despatched to the various divisions and attached to the different vocations within.

fortunately,there are still two more tours left in my deployment schedule!

it'd be a trip back to home team academy for me on 20th May.a new job scope.but then again whats new.somehow i wished,and it's all because i'm in this deployment batch,that i'd put in more considerations into the selecting my preferred postings and not be led blindly.

i dont detest my current posting.in fact to me,it's an enriching and satisfying job.but it's just those days when youre in a state of dilemma,when your thinking is swayed by others' comments and truth to be spoken,giving it a shot out in division to be a crime fighter and law enforcer would be such an eye opening experience filled with countless rewards.

it's pointless,nonetheless,to speculate about the possibilities and all those "i-should-haves"
hellos! to training command!you'd be my home for the rest of my national service life.

2008-04-24T02:31:00.001-07:00

a trip back to home team academy last evening brought back awfully sweet memories with my squad mates.

those mundane routines,madrushes on disgustingly packed days,drill sessions,dry classes,disgusting physicals and dealings with unreasonable officers,countless marching.ironically,i missed them.everything.

on a lighter note,deployment duties with division regulars have been real fun and daily routines are such eye openers!things you will never get to see in home team,things you'll never experience as an ordinary member of public.

then again,that depressing truth hurts.

2008-04-15T04:48:00.000-07:00

it was a bittersweet affair when the four of us returned back to barrack and packed our belongings into that huge police bag kitting while the rest headed to mess for lunch.

it's frustrating when we're notified at the very last minute.everything is in such a mess and we have no idea whether or not we would be involved in the passing out parade together with the others from our squad.it's depressing when we made that premature exit,way before the rest made theirs from home team academy.

just like how coy commander made it clear to us before we left,"goodluck and be careful.theres no more theory in the outside world.take necessary precautions."

and so,lejian and i made our way to foxtrot with those heavy kits.the briefing made us realised the "no-nonsense" attitude adopted in dealing with real ops by the senior officers.they packed us with a truckload of information and destination maps.the most immediate thing that i could picture while engaging in the briefing was that still image from band of brothers.

tuesday started off as an off day for my team,fortunately.

and today is the day that i'm down for an admissions interview with NBS.as usual,i hailed a cab and as the cab whizzed along PIE,home team academy appeared on my right.i checked my watch for the time and wondered where my squad might be.

my watch read 0900h.they were probably out in unity square under the hot sun with FI Ian conducting the POP drill rehearsal.

2008-03-28T06:18:00.000-07:00

they were the least expected but it was a huge sigh of relief,i must say.

everything still seem so surreal.like how they put it,a year well spent.things could have been better but i'm simply contented.i know i cant ask for more.

like how jeff puts it upon receiving our grades together,"we were fortunate to have met each other on the very first day in the new environment." at least,we kept our head and werent like some who appallingly put on airs over mere mediocre achievements.

for He,who laughs last,laughs the loudest.

right now,i await the seventh day of may to arrive.a pleasant posting for the rest of my police life.but I'd render it wishful thinking on my part since the law exams are not over yet.penalcode penalcode.lets befriend each other.at least for the next two weeks!

2008-03-01T08:21:00.000-08:00

advice is a form of nostalgia.

dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,wiping it off,painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

2008-02-16T23:43:00.001-08:00

six weeks into home team academy,six weeks of a trainee's life.

so far so good i would say.couple of things i realised through the days.it feels like tom hanks' cast away,just that this time it's on mainland.pulling through a week being disconnected with the outside world is probably the last thing you would want to hear.

nothing beats being in a humorous squad filled with mates who never fails to cast a smile across their faces.whats better were the fabulous bunkmates who reside with you.those who would pull you through physical and keep your eyelids open during the dry and heavy law classes.

ninety degrees forty five;whole lot of you to the left on your palms down;ten counts of four exercise begins;penal code cap 224;left right left
these are probably the things you hear most.

it's been good thus far and im doing fine,to the many out there whom i have yet to contact,hello with much regards!

you know sometimes a mystical layer waft imminently when phone calls are reduced to the simple hi-and-bye.the topics that you used to share are not coming out and worse still,when you dont seem to be able to get the person you desire to talk to,or when you feel the haste in the way she/he speaks and the urge she/he has to hang up.but ohwell.sometimes you read a little too much into things.

2008-01-04T11:27:00.000-08:00

consolidating unkempt thoughts and memories which were all over the place kept me through the night,but it did not matter for i still managed to complete "goodbye 2007" with an espresso by my side.

heavyheavy entry that was.on a lighter note;

after more than two years,

the number one fan

corduroy cafe.comfy couch.beautiful waterfront view.chocolate milkshake.coq au vin.mojito.cows&buffaloes.irritating fly which evolved but not failing to pester.tamagotchi.trying to care for the newly-hatched.injuries.basketball girls.big shades small face.emo is not cool.life.parents.relationships.piano&violin.a rhapsody.keychains.bracelet.

everything turned out to be much easier than we thought.afterall,occasional texts and greetings were what saw us through the past two years.catching up was a different thing altogether.my limited vocabulary bank is capping my ability to describe this special friend of mine and the fabulous afternoon we spent catching up.

she was the one who talked to me about perspectives when i was at a complete loss after my failed appeal.she was the one who shared the same sentiments at times,she still is.the way she put her thoughts across intelligently amazes.not forgetting that her smile is her credit card.an atypically special fan-sisao connection.

dear sharon,thank you for your well wishes.take care in hall,where youre widely known as the princessy girl who tidies up her room regularly (: cheers to the many more joyous occasions to come as you stride through your journey in university (: lets pray that you will not meet lecturers who'd bewilder you with "gaeraffee" (: with truckloads of loves&cookies,sisao

entry inspired by:the number one fan
photo credits:the number one fan

2008-01-03T12:02:00.001-08:00

who could not understand why time waits for no man when yet another year whizzed us by.so here we are,reminiscing on the past year,rejoicing at the thought of some,lamenting at others.i am no exception.heres my story;

i guess as we all grow older,we think a little more.we tend to search for ourselves more from deep within and i believe this year was my best year,not because i attained nirvana nor was it because i accomplished alot,which on the contrary,i did not.but through the year,i finally got to know myself more.i learnt to differentiate khainam from nam.

khainam is a man who lets his emotion runs,somebody who allows tears to flow as soon as he gets overwhelmed by his surroundings,the people he interact with.somebody who is not afraid to show that he's afraid.somebody who agree to disagree.somebody who always put reality into dreams.somebody who treasures family more than anything else.somebody who detest smashing parties.

nam(as known by many others),on the other hand,is a cheeky boy of a pretty extroverted nature,who never grows up.someone who acts without thinking.someone who gets high on soda.someone who loves to put dreams into reality.someone who achieved so much on the non academics-side.someone who loves to party.someone who treasures friend ties more than blood relation.someone who has everything.

"..it's nothing but some feelings that this old dog kicked up.."

besides it being a year of self realisation,the past year had been,such a desperate trying year.

in the beginning,i tried not to bothered by my dumb finger injury sustained during the national team trials in 2006 which eventually,i wouldnt say wholly but in a way,cost me a trip to taiwan with some of my team mates.

then i tried searching for jobs but to no avail,got a job at daddy's childhood playmate company as an accounting office boy.i tried to like my job.i tried to understand that office job is probably what i would face in my career path,only to realise that i really detest office jobs!

just when i started making plans for my future and looked forward to national service,my hopes came crashing with those horrible D E E O C6 listed on my result slips.upon receiving my results,i tried to shake my worries off when true friends stood by and gave me support.truth to be spoken,i started belittling myself and had doubts on my capabilities.soaked pillow covers were what greeted me every morning from the night of weeping quietly in the nights.

unlike the O's when i just stood by and watched things flow,this time round i took more charge in my own decisions.i tried to appeal for a repeat of my A's,i tried to seek for the best possible way out,running to saint francis methodist to ask if they do accept A level repeats,making trips to singapore rugby union to get verification,rushing to MI,only to be shunned by the principal,trying to get help from mrs helen in saint andrews.those hectic days paid off as i was finally accepted into MI and i guess those days changed my year and my mindset.i must say,i was more focused thereafter and i learnt to prioritised more effectively.

a new school greeted me on 19th March.i do not deny the distinctive culture shock,but i tried to integrate into my new school,i tried to mix with a class who had been through thick and thin fro three solid years.it was quite like a sudden intrusion into their class life and i felt like i was part of the survivor crew,trying to get into the good books and play the game so that people in that class would not detest your intrusion.

much to my delight,all my efforts paid off as i learn to enjoy more in the new environment.i met new people and made really nice friends who would stand by you.many thanks to jeff,david and salman in particular.the few gems i found in a brand new environment.

"..how many special people change,how many lives are living strange.."

i tried to put away with the social stigma of being a repeat student,or what they called,the jc reject.i tried to strive for a better A's.i tried to complete my tutorials and do my revision everyday.i cant say i did those diligently,but im sure it was better than 2006.

i tried to live with an operated hand and tried not to drift away too far from the rugby scene because of my surgery.i tried to stay in close contacts with the boys.i couldnt help but drift further and further away.all of a sudden,the much devoted time i spent on rugby and the achievements i managed in the year 2006 became part of my history.for now,i could only sit here looking forward to the day i could step back into the field again.

i tried to deal with farewells and eternal partings.i tried to get over my uncle's tragic end but only to find myself fearing for the future and fearing at the thought of losing a loved one more.i tried to deal with goodbyes.i see friends come and go all my life,but the past year saw lots going but few coming.many shifted abroad,some traveled overseas for their studies,others just got trapped somewhere in the globe,where i cant seem to reach with the ubiquitous advanced telecommunications.dear friends out there who are reading this,drop me something and let me know youre fine,wherever you are.

i tried not to fall in love so i could focus on my academics but failed.i fell in love with this beautiful lady who,instead of pulling me away from the books,motivated me daily and made me better prepared mentally for my A's.she was my best friend,my lover and my confidante.someone i cared about the most,someone whom i will share my joy and tears with,someone who cared for me,someone who never really left my side through the six months of our journey,before the worst hit us and parted us.

i tried not to hurt girls,i tried not to make girls cry.but 2007 saw me making her cry.i tried to voice out my concerns,i tried to let her know what was wrong in our relationship.in a sense,they could be solved,but it would not be easy because i cant accept things readily.i tried not to be selfish.i tried not to be too sensitive,but im sensitive by nature and when god created me,i reckon HE added in a pinch too much of jealousy and emotions.perhaps thats why they say,scorpios are the best lovers,but also the best haters,who remembers wrongdoings for life.

i tried to move on despite the void,i tried to apologise.i tried to care and let things flow,i tried to make her understand,i tried to stay around.but i know in a couple of days time,i would not be around readily and perhaps,we might drift further and further apart.

i tried to let you know that your birthday gift made me felt real bad.the love you showered on me was the best but it's just not the right time for us,or me at least.i tried to carry on,but i found myself hurting you more.

i tried to spend more time with my family knowing that when police calls,i would have very limited time with the people i cherished most.at least for the next two years to come.

thankyou year 2007,you made me realised so much more in life.

thankyou felicia for staying around and the many happy moments we shared together.

thankyous to 05S15,and my brotherhood of love who has never fail to put that smile on my face.

thankyou to 05S5 which made learning more enjoyable and special thanks to jeff and anand who were always around to listen.

thankyous to my mates in saint andrew's rugby team.the usual few who made me feel so homely.

thankyou sharon for always being around to chat and lending me your listening ear since i left national junior college (:

thankyou mr gilbert lee whose economics knowledge amazes,whose motivation and life stories work wonders and for the extra mile he wouldnt mind travelling just to ensure we're all doing fine.

finally,thankYOU for enduring this long entry.have a blessed year ahead.happy 2008.

"..fill your life with love and bravery,and you shall lead,a life uncommon.."

2007-12-15T11:17:00.000-08:00

that man,my mistake,child..

for he;who does not exercise self refrain,forever needing the opposite gender,behaving in an appallingly amateurish manner and putting on airs with the mere mediocre achievements,is a never growing child

..was the basis of cause,fractionally.

2007-12-14T10:16:00.000-08:00

..im a house of cards in a hurricane,
a reckless ride in the pouring rain..

2007-12-03T22:10:00.000-08:00

.pain is the only feeling for days.

2007-11-27T05:03:00.001-08:00

i will feel that familiar chill in the operation theater again,this time to remove the damned screws on my metacarpal.six weeks out of the field AGAIN,six weeks less to be a normal human being.

mixed feelings,they call it.ohno,not quite something else pisses me off.

~~army~~ police beckons.

no,don't rub your eyes.you read that right.

god knows why central manpower threw me there.

2007-11-20T00:24:00.000-08:00

it's been a crazy ride.

A's wasn't as desirable as anyone thought it would have been for me,given that this was my repeated year.

i tried not to look back and think of the deducted marks and carelessness through my papers.but who would agree that this is easy?

it's eating from deep within.i couldn't voice it out.and now i stand before you.please bless me with a mind of peace and allow me to sink into the post A's euphoria.one i had been looking forward to,yet one which i wish i could give up now in return for a better performance.contradictions plague.

..for now,i await usher and the release of his album..

2007-10-01T16:04:00.001-07:00

..baby,i dont want to waste another day
keeping it inside its killing me..

2007-09-06T07:05:00.001-07:00

rather than fix the problems,
they never solve them,
it makes no sense at all

2007-08-23T05:34:00.000-07:00

so much to cover,so little time AGAIN

.dear you,studyHARD.

2007-08-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

when tears rolled down your face that monday afternoon,i felt completely helpless and doubted my decision of breaking my thoughts to you.all i was trying to put across was i didnt want to be stuck in that situation again,an elastic band will still snap somehow.i tried and tried to kept all those thoughts thrown to me at the back of my head for days,perhaps WEEKS,but i found myself in a circular reasoning state.i couldnt help but thought of how bad things MIGHT turn out to be should all these continue,but i guess it wouldnt.

i was lost when mom called.i couldnt help but stare blankly in open space and it really took a longlong while for that piece of news to sink in.tears did well up on my journey home but i know we cant quite let emotions get the better of us.i thought,we cannot let situations manipulate our actions and ought to manipulate such situations with the way we act.at least,for me.

.dear uncle,you'll be dearly missed.

and so it was such an emotional turmoil over all these days.who would have realised such a news could be broken to you.i was in an absolute state of denial when you broke it to me.it felt so surreal.everything got so tangled up in my mind,i couldnt say much in the cab to school.i am really apologetic when i missed your call that night because of my slumber from the long sleepless nights.just when you needed someone to be there and just someone to hear you out.yet,the someone you wished for could not be reached.never in my life have i felt so useless,shameful and totally helpless.i was hoping for you to just tell me off and blame me for everything.as tears flowed while you're in my embrace,words just cant quite flow from my usual eloquence.

this wasnt like any any other obstacles we have faced through our time.but i just want you to know that through everything,there will always be me beside you.so you've got to brace up and stay strong.i promise that you'll never be alone.and you know that.all because you are my one and only cant-do-without.girl,i am all about loving you :)

2007-08-02T00:35:00.000-07:00

turning to that disgusting pile of work on my desk got my eyelids heavy.i need an energy booster.david would say CRUNCHIE helps!but then again,i haven't been to school for the past two days and my fatigue could not have been the consequence of that long, i emphasize, LONG timetable. like jeff puts it,no drive to do anything at all.

college days seem to be repeating yet again

five days of break coming our way but who would rejoice when it's five more weeks to preliminary examinations

just a piece of you,your smile,and some recklessly whipped up dishes which were a long way from mediocre.

math.math.math.

2007-07-27T01:25:00.000-07:00

and so here i am,twisted,because one side of me is telling me that i need to move on.on the other side,i want to break down and cry.i wasn't quite expecting this to come my way.

i know it's hard but,play your part boy,where your heart at.
come on player,man be a soldier,fight for what you want.
you need to man up.

the qualms of uncertainties linger yet again and i must admit that periodically throughout the day,it felt like back to square one all over again.she had been there,done that,chopped me up into bits and now,razor sharp words you want to keep.

my heart is in the same old position that baby left it.so i apologise for making you cry,but look me in my eye and promise you won't do me the same.

and after all,you're my wonderwall

2007-07-25T08:18:00.000-07:00

he was still and nonchalant,just like any other casual day,enjoying the television program,smirking at the sight of the both of us and turning away.who would have realised that beneath this strong and brave exterior hid a young little boy who was weeping,weeping at the loss of a loved one whom he held so dearly to his life.shocking news you may put it,but a devastating one for him.dear lord,please calm him down and lead him with your guiding lights down this lonely path.give him strength to see through all these and get over the loss of this loved one.

though we always keep ourselves reminded that everything in life happened for a reason,and god knows our purpose in this lifetime,we ought to realise the brittleness of a human life despite being an almighty.cest la vie.

school's been great.but the three of us got back to our college days,where skipping classes to do some productive work seemed to hit us as an inevitable fact yet again.

and so we share small talks at the back of the class,watching the rest of the fellows dozing off in trying to grasp the concepts and surviving through the long day.these got each of us thinking more and pissing in our pants upon realization that preliminary examinations are no more than six weeks away,and A's just less than three months down the road.

do me a favour and i will return you tonnes.shut that trap of yours and keep that irritating tone and false pretense from deep within to yourself.face the fact,you havent quite seen the world out there.stop being the all-so-cool you because it's absolutely annoying and undeniably a pain up in my ass.

2007-07-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

so it's all about time slipping through our fingers as A's edge closer.

the surmounting pressure and social stigma of being a repeat are pretty overwhelming,maybe i should just shrug it off and let things be.after all,it's only a year and in the course of a lifetime,what does this account for?

the last A's still haunts even till today.the very thought of repeating the whole cycle again,in and out of the examination hall and being the tired soul deep within irks.

but then again,this is nothing new.

you say what you want to say,
your diamonds are drops of rain.
your smile is your credit card,
and your currency is your love

physics.math

2007-07-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

and i dont want the world to see me,'cause i dont think that they undertstand

viewing things from this perspective is undeniably stupefying, maybe more of shallow, or even just plain childish

the qualms of uncertainties drive one nuts

math

2007-07-08T05:03:00.000-07:00

so i stood by the window and managed to catch glimpses of the dawn rays.deep down within,i wished i heard nothing of that sort.it wasn't like a huge deal or sort.maybe it's just me.but i felt unjust for you.perhaps i got all drowsy from the dosage of pills but i prayed to god and asked him to leave me in this state of denial.after all,what else can be done?

'cause all of the stars, are fading away.
just try not to worry, you'll see them someday.
take what you need, and be on your way,
and stop crying your heart out.

2007-05-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

bring those six stubborn screws out as soon as possible.i dont mind the superficial stitches.

acute pain on days despite being placed on the operating table quite a while ago.

2 weeks down,22 more to go.

went down with gerald to catch raffles play anglo chinese and it was a great time.i mean,it's been quite a while since i last caught a game,a longlong while since i stepped into the field and even more so since i caught up with a couple of friends from rivalling schools.haha.but the cheers from both sides brought back alot of memories,memories of a school season.

i like the way you get me,they way you just stood by and listened.thankyou :)

2007-04-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

akira's bash at the legends with the best company was simply awesome.so it's happy 21st with time slipping like sand through our fingers.

cabbed back home with arthur thereafter and the journey along the familiar sites which whizzed us by just got me thinking so much.so we slumped into the backseat,reminisced about the good old days and something quite familiar from the old radio in the cabby's caught our ears.

"..baby,won't you tell me why,there is sadness in your eyes.."

alright,don't let your imaginations run wild.this song simply reminded us of the last triumphant season and that we were playing that song on his ipod a year ago in a cab,on a journey back home after training,at the same stretch of road as at that point of time when this familiar melody caught our ears.

everything seemed unchanged,the same settings,a cab,the backseat,the same melodious tune.but something wasnt quite the same.and i know that no matter how hard i try not to think about it,i cant deny that i missed playing in st andrews stripes,alongside the usual few.

on a lighter note,it's been more than a month since i got back,hitting the books,revising the familiar topics in prep for a brand new A's.but then again,what's new?it was pretty much a culture shock following a shift from st andrews,but ah,so far so good and i am contented since adapting to a brand new environment wasnt easy but made easy with a bunch of funky mates.

2007-03-03T05:50:00.000-08:00

time and again,i'm caught in this pit.i dont know how to react to all these.

2007-02-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

life has changed,probably for the worse.despite the realisation that with work comes the rolling figures,which had been the primary goal for almost everybody,i found this uber ridiculous.

so i stood at my desk today,looking down at the piles and piles of work,which just reminded me of how i would use all the scraps i can find to construct a maze and be so proud of it when i was young,and it finally hit home that A's would be out in just a matter of weeks perhaps?but thats not the point.its just the very fact that i havent been able to find time for myself ever since i got this job that disgusts me.i lost myself in the midst of clearing the stacks and stacks of invoices,i've been doing so much,i forgot what exactly i am supposed to be doing.

spending little or no time at all on rugby;family;friends;myself is truly horrifying.so i've made up my mind.im just gonna cruise through my job,put in a better-than-slipshod effort.cos afterall,i'll be dismissed by the end of march and get despatch to tekong in a ferry,just exactly like how my colleagues handle the containers loaded with goods,awaiting their respective owners to unload the contents.

but for now,i shant care less for its bed time unless i want to get an earful from my boss again for being late,which again is nothing new.

workaholic.how did this term come to existence in the first place?maybe we should just stick to alcoholic.

tomorrow shall be a better day because ;
"..yesterday,all my troubles seemed so faraway.." but then again;
"..if tomorrow never comes,will she know how much i love her.."

okayy,this brain malfunction is the consequence of the weeks of brainless filing and data entry i'd been through.

2007-01-01T17:50:00.000-08:00

hello you,happy new year :D have a greatgreat year ahead!

as cliche as it may sound,time reallyy flies.no matter how many times i've said this in previous years,this time it is for real for it feels weird having no school to look forward to after the new year holiday.perhaps it has integrated into everyday life but now it's time to let go.awful reality.

i remembered how much i looked forward to college life after O',having jitters bout the new school term,wondering what kind of people i will meet.but now,college life's all over and it's a new phase of life.maybe i should have done much more in these fleeting two years.

2006 would have been one of the most memorable years i've ever been through so far if not for the later part of the year but nonetheless,it wa a year to remembered for i had so much fun and learnt so much more.

i vaguely remembered how the first day of shcool was.it was a new chapter at woodsville and i cabbed to school.meeting stanley ong the first thing in the morning as i got off the cab.i was exhilarated by the cool scented air of a brand new environment and seeing the new batch of sec4s "looking-lost" just like everyone else did.there was a vengeance in me.i so hoped at that instant,time would turn and let me savour the taste of being a freshman.but reality hits and it was back for lectures,tutorials and assignments.

academics played a great deal in 2006.it couldnt be helped when people around you were all worried and affected by the crazy A's.no doubt environment can play a huge role in influencing you,i was pretty much laid back about studies and flunking every examinations that came along the way,procastinating learning,always thiking that theres another one coming up and time to catch up.i was utterly wrong.see if i could re-do one thing in this year,i would really have put in more effort in studying,knowing how disgusting A's would be.i mean thats what everybody will say but i reallyy dont know how else to express my anxiety,worrying for my academics. :( they always told me,it's over,stop brooding over it.i tried but it was not THAT easy to.

anyhow,on a lighter note,rugby played a much greater role in 2006.it became an integral of college life.having trainings everyday after classes.it became a routine for us,it was a natural instinct to head for the changing room after classes,get changed up and ready to go for trainings.the first two months in rugby was pretty much a blur for me.all i knew was the tremendous scoldings from my coaches and team mates,sometimes even myself for not being able to complete basic movements.but it was all part of learning i believe.with the DSA boys,trainings held so much fun,so much to be learned from them.however,many of whom could not stay after the release of results.i remembered a training game when i was surprisingly named man of the match by mr tong and it was a turning point,a wake up call.it was not until then did i start to take ownership of the team and responsibility of my own actions in trainings.it was great to see the DSA guys still coming back to help with the trainings.the dinners,jokes,lame stuffs we all did were stupid but memorable.
;
the cut was made in early march,after the first physical camp we had which bonded the team greater as we went through all sorts of physical that tested our mental toughness.it was more than just pride to be able to make the team of twenty-eight.so came the season trainings and the various physical sessions.accodring to the coaches,we were the first batch which had been through the torturous physical sessions like none other.fitness was the only solution for the season as our team was a team that comprises of a lot of new players.no matter how much we moaned about the sessions,we'd always completed them without fail.
;
so came season and it was game after game after game.it felt great to make the cut but was even better to make the starting string when all i had hoped for when we started the year was just to make the cut,even being placed just at the bench,i would be more than happy.with every game that passed,we matured a little and gel even more as ONE team.losing to rjc in the initial stages placed us in the semis with the defending champs,acjc.the hard fought victory brought us to the finals,with the same opposition we lost to in the group stages.the fairytale victory over the rafflesians in the finals will never be erased off my mind.how much we prepared for it,the psyching up before the game,the fighting spirit despite the 7 points margin.sa the years go by,we will always remember this one,one where we ended the gold drought in sajc.
;
after the illustrious season came the kiwi cup during the holidays which we lost to a more determined raffles side in the first leg and eventually on points difference.trainings in the holidays were more of learning how to gel together as team st andrews rather then team sajc as we had the boys in the secondary side fighting alongside the best of raffles.when i thought it was finally time to hit the books and pack it in for rugby,came the call up by combined schools which was never expected and it lured me back into the game.but no doubt it was a great season together with the rest from other colleges.the year finally ended with a failed trial after the surprise call up from the U19 side.

okayy.long long recollections on rugby.moving on,2006 will be a year for my family to remember.a year we got so much tighter and cherished every little things we had together.the simple dinners,hangouts,get-togethers and so much more.nothing can replace this satisfaction of being in a warm and closely-knitted family.

i've got so many thankyous to go out to.

thankyou to my beloved family,for without them,i will not be who i am and without them i would not have been able to go through the various trials i was put to the entire year.

thankyous to the team of brothers who guided me along in the short span of six months and accepted me for all my flaws.the way we kept each other going in every trainings and times when we felt like giving up.

thankyous to my classmates for making learing so much easier with the laugthers and joy.

thankyou to the fan from farfaraway for the many conversations and sharings.knowing that you're ALWAYS there even when the communication started to get low and we started to engage in our own endeavours.

thankyou to sylvia for being suchh a pig and always coming up with the craziest ideas for a good laugh at.not forgetting the times you stood by when i needed someone to listen to all the frustations deep inside.

thankyou to you reading this for you kept this blog going and you managed to complete a longlong entry.haha!

have i mentioned the new year resolution which one will never ever keep to with years and years of attempts.haha.okayy and that is: never to tell a white lie.
who can ever keep to that?haha!

alright then,so 2006,going,going,gone.as the clock struck twelve,let us embrace the new year together with hope,joy and love.happy new year to all!takecare and may god bless!

until then.

2006-12-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

been a long while since i set my footing here.it's 0230 in the morning of 19th december 2006.in a couple of weeks time,we'll be embracing the new year.new year,new beginning,wonder how true that will be.

prom was over a couple of weeks back and it was a night well spent with the ruggers,class and close friends.how i hoped for the time to stall and let us savour the exhilarating moment.but oh well,since time waits for no man and memories could be snapped;

there,pieces of retrospect,grooving forward for you.anyhow,post prom was great too,running into a couple of familiar faces,some of whom i havent met since graduation from secondary school.

anyways,thats more or less for prom.since then,i've been lazing around with too much time in hand.it's funny how ironic this time thingy can be when you look back every now and then and realise it contradicts.awful memories of A's kept flashing back.it's not a good thing for it haunts really.as much as i try not to think about the days of A's,certain parts of my puny brain force me to recall them.

on a lighter note,i guess the finger's getting better but its god damn crooked and i doubt it will ever straighten out.why me is always the question that i pose myself with whenever i hit the covers and stare into the empty space.why am i always so unlucky,and even more so this time round at the eve of an event i've been looking forward to.not quite easy to just let go.theres this vengeance deep within and i so want to be back in the field again.well 2 weeks more perhaps.i hate this but i cant do anything about it.maybe this is what they call life.but then again,having gone through all these,i'd rather be dead.

I can't sing a love song

Like the way it's meant to be

Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore

But baby, that's just me

2006-11-26T13:11:00.000-08:00

when post A's finally hit me more than a week ago,i couldnt help but stare into blank space with mixed feelings.part of me was ecstatic,for what seemed an eternity had finally came to end.but part of me was nostalgic,for it would mean the last of me clad in a school uniform.while i just spare a minute or two on the bus ride,beautiful memories of this chapter of my life captivated me.inevitably,there will be the many little achievements each one of us were so proud of.

i would not be able hold my head up high and walk out of this phase saying i was a wonderful student with many achievements,but all i can say is,i am ready to let go of what had been a routinal lifestyle.

slept early.woke early.rise and shine.changed up.school.lunch.after-school-activities.home.tutorials.dinner.repeat

A's was somewhat a nightmare.a nightmare not to be re-enacted.all i have is the vague memory of sitting on the couch after GP,thinking how nonsensical my essay was,sorting out all my thoughts when i screwed up math badly,regretting giving up on chemistry,trying to gather my senses and rushed for econs and physics,only to be demoralised by the challenging physics papers,went blank on econs essay and not doing well for what was remaining.it was more than just a nightmare.it haunts.even till now.

anyhow,what was worse was how you see people comparing answers after every paper and the answers seemed unfamiliar to you,receiving sms-es from others who said papers were pretty attemptable,reaching home with a tired soul.

for all that had happened,i thank god for the peace and endurance through these physically and mentally torturing days.and i have to thank my wonderful family for the support and faith,not forgetting all of you guys who kept me going,but also my dear elder who managed to just calm my nerves before the start of A's and saw me through this time of trials.

had been looking forward to trainings after A's and since it was a load off my mind,national trainings started to pack into my post A's calendar.somehow,it was just more than frustration that i felt when i was hit by a devastating injury right on the first session after A's.the doctor's advice was at least 6 weeks out.anyhow,the coaches will ring up the final travelling squad tomorrow,or more like hours later,but things dont look too good.anyhow,im just hoping for the best,if not,im just purely glad that things brought me thus far even though it had been no more than 2 months together with the national team boys,it brought me much joy and many experiences.

'cause all of stars are fading away
just try not to worry you'll see them someday
take what you need and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out

2006-10-31T02:52:00.000-08:00

all i could remember was those pair of new boots stomping around in that muddy field,the unfamiliar faces,the super intimidating scrum machine,the unfamiliar coaches and not forgetting the one who walked me into the field.thanks nick!

i realised upon some flipping that it has exactly been a year since i first put on that pair of boots which is resting in the balcony now,all tattered and torn.

31st october 2005 - 31st october 2006

so much has happened over the past year and i almost could not believe what i've been through.but i believed it was a wonderful 17th birthday gift when i was finally given the green light to train with the awesome people in a sport i never thought i would pick up.thanks khairul!

"don't ever look back," mom told me last year before she went off for work.simple words which meant so much then.thanks mom!

"i hope i will not regret after 17th november 2006,mom"

.a journey without regrets.

2006-10-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

;

the day came and went but it went well.donning those white shirt,blue longs and the trademark tie made me sad.especially when it was gonna be the last time you actually put on a school uniform.although i am still not used to wearing longs.all thanks to my 10-year education in shorts.

;

anyhow,i realised while flipping through my notes that i only and really enjoyed one year in college.the first was crappy,gloomy,scary and screwy but the second was simply awesome.but i know whenever i flip through the pages of the photo album,i will always be reminded of the class of 2006 and the fellow ruggers.everything that happened this very year.and the various accomplishments we never thought could be acheived.

;

every memory of looking out the back door
i had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
it's hard to say it, time to say it
goodbye,goodbye

2006-09-25T06:24:00.000-07:00

25th september 2006 ; monday

had a really enriching week,but it would mean one more week less to the almighty A's.it's not surprising to see people hitting those books real hard and spending countless hours in the library,packing in as many consultation sessions as possible in between every single break.finally and i meant finally,i felt what i was supposed to have felt ages ago.tension and anxiety.

so prelims ended last tuesday and it wasnt any better even though i did.and yes,did spend some time trying to cramp every single fact into my puny brain. anyhow,lets just move away from those mundane stuffs which appear practically on every blog i visited.

the past week was simply superb.right after the prelims,khairul and i had a hearty chat over breakfast and some things he said did make me ponder somehow and i really appreciate having a captain like him,but more importantly,a superb friend who had helped me so much through the season.kudos to you boss and lets start to channel our energy in the right mode.

had team SAJC tea on wednesday afternoon and it was hell great to see a compilation of footages from the season,especially the 2 exhilarating tries from our finals.perhaps it's just me but i guess alot of the other sports really "detest" us.some may have made history or won the championship in consecutive years but do not have equal footing as us.perhaps,thats just the beauty of st andrew's rugby. :)

friday was simply one of those days to be remembered,apart from the fact that i felt ill and was demoralised by the disgracing grades,the colours award presentation in the afternoon just kept everything to the back of my mind.it was great to see changxi and sharon and evern more so to see the raffles boys.some of whom i havent met since the end of combined schools season.a wonderful afternoon of phototaking and bull crapping but more importantly,an afternoon of pride and joy.this first award may be nothing compared to others' 2nd,3rd,4th or even 5th award but to me,this meant alot and im truly proud to be one of the recipients from st andrew's rugby.khairul,gerald,arthur,alex,liang sheng,marc chua.thankyou fellow ruggers who had been through so much together.

since pictures speak a thousand words;

st andrew's rugby recipients

2006-09-25T05:16:00.000-07:00

raffles and st andrew's

team SAJC recipients

2006-09-05T06:27:00.000-07:00

it was a rare sight to see me heading off for a jog just before dinner.well,just needed a get away.and the accumulating lipids(did i use it correctly?) are dsgusting.anyhow,prelim's enough to kill.i wonder what will happen by the time A's hit me.

been reeeally unfit without trainings for months.in the midst of panting and trying to catch every gasp of air,it just struck me. 300mX10; 200mX10; 100mX20 with medicine ball; 100-80-60-40-20; 10m turnabouts till death; etcetc these arent some rattering off but in fact the various physical sessions we had during season.it's amazing how i managed to just,well JUST complete every sets we're tasked with even though that right meniscus was pretty screwed.

so i found a spot pretty exposed to the evening sky and gazed up at the moon slightly hidden among the thick evening clouds while reaching down to feel my right knee.perhaps it was true;you kept me going during those tiring and mentally draining season days.

well,guess it doesnt matter anymore

2006-08-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

i halted and thought,while we are indulging in what seemed an eternity,who would have realised that college life's coming to an end.

..now i hoped all these had happened much earlier..

2006-08-01T07:34:00.000-07:00

you are there,arent you?deep down inside,i wished we could just say something.

so another week passed but no work done at all
it's scary when there are so many things you wished you understood ages ago

and i am missing it all over again.

.:books versus boots:.

2006-07-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

im jaded.been masking up all those frustration and fear in me and trying not to let anyone see the pain thats eating me away deep inside.these few days had been a real chore trying to be laid back about all thats happening around me.i dont know how i should be describing what im feeling right now.theres this listlessness in me and im just trying to get rid of all thats in me.but the fact is im feeling worse day by day.

dear you,just what the hell is wrong with you?i know it's easy to just turn away and not care bout anything at all.and if thats what things gonna be,i have nothing to say at all,so thankyou for everything.

dear you,as much as i dont want to let you down,i dont want to let myself down too.its been hard especially with so much going on and im so sorry for all the procastination and indecisiveness.time management may be whats on your mind,but im bad at it.as much as i wish to play alongside familiar names,i cant seem to manage everything well.

dear you,thankyou for the after lesson talking today.i think i let you down utterly when words like,"you didnt study at all is it" hit me.im so sorry.

dear you,thanks for alleviating the pain because it seems like you're the only one that know so much and all thats going on.

so yup.i guess that should be all for now.and i swear if there ever is a mugging for the dummies book on sale,i will snap it up and read it.

combined schs season ended a couple of days back and it was a fantastic experience and journey.anyhow,tomorrow shall be the last time i am wearing those boots.after that i shall just try to start studying.6 weeks.i doubt i can do it.

..thats all for now.till then..

2006-07-07T18:36:00.000-07:00

it's 0940 now on a saturday morning.the house's filled with emptiness and just some creeking from the old wind chime when the wind blows against it.sigh.and my eye and knee are hurting.

and once again those stuffs in me are really eating me away.not like they are really bothering me or something cause they dont,but you do feel a little vexed over things like this from time to time.i really just want to get out of here and just go to a place far far away from here where i will just have some space and time for myself.i meant MORE space and time for myself.

school's been a chore w/o trngs and this week especially.its such a torment to prepare for the worst whenever a tutor steps in and distributed the marked scripts.and much worse when you just simply turned away from all these.i know it's kind of stupid to hold onto it and stuffs like this when ppl are telling me.hey.just let it be.

it's good however to have someone to talk to in school.all thanks to my long lost sis who's always asking for more stories during lecture and tutorials.pouring out may just make one feel better at that instant,but deep down inside is it always the case?so i just wanna say thankyou so much to this special somebody and you dont worry alright.whatever you told me will be just fine and after all.if we were to look for the someone with the ability to hold on to her faith and trust;it's you.

days swiftly come and go
i'm dreaming of her
she's seeing other guys
emotions they stir
the sun is gone
the nights are long
and I am left while the tears fall

i hate it when you're left hanging onto something you dont even know whether it's right or wrong.ah.fuck it.for now i shant care because you just simple cant be bothered.

anyhow,having a game later which may just be the last for this season.cause i havent made up my mind on certain stuffs.but im pretty jaded.so whatever the case,shall just go in there,play the hell of a game and have fun.but i dont feel good when i just reach down and feel my right knee.

BUT,do you even care?

2006-06-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

i am was in tears when the argentines crashed out on shoot-out to a not entirely underserving team.but still,scheisse Scheiße.but ohwell.hard luck favourite team.it's just a temporary farewell.

and so i finally had the time,so "hello,virtual world!" haha.it was funny to find the typical sentence on everyone's blog,well,almost everyone. "it's FINALLY over!" haha.and so it's goodbye blocks and here comes more preparations for the worst.worse still,the end of it marks the end of june.how fast time flies and i will always remember the past 6 months.

a little digression but yes,it's over and it's over for me literally.
try writing and rattering on for a gp essay which you know will lead you to nowhere when people you met at the toilet said that essay qn 9 was simple.
try having studied the wrong topics for econs and not knowing how to do one whole essay.when people come complaining bout having not enough time.try submiting a blank section D for chem when people were jumping in front of you commenting that they left out 5 marks.
try screwing up math when you saw those familiar questions but forgot how to do them and people came jumping for joy in front of you telling you that math was nothing.
try cracking your head scribbling for physics just to ensure that you dont submit another blank paper when people came complaining bout them forgetting some rubbish formulae.

but it was all good to feel the ball again after so long.well a week perhaps?haha.anyhow,im sick and tired of gradesGradesGRadesGRAdesGRADesGRADEsGRADES!the false pretences of people when they told you they havent studied but back in their head they are more than happy know they will be screwing you upside down inside out.

and so it hit me again.the fact that you are walking away now and trying to drop every possible something to avoid this and the fact that im just trying to walk away without caring and be as ignorant as i can be is surmounting to an unbearable pain thats eating me away unseen.

but for now i shant care bout all those false and pretentious fronts and the few personal stuffs which had taken their toll on me because it's a good 4 days break from the studying so its gonna be play relax drink chill till i step into tutorials and lectures again.

so will the saturday be the same?should i go down this sunday?and what to do this coming monday?haha.well isnt the best time to think bout all these because you're tired khainam.so just shut up,get lost and hit your god damn covers for good.

i'm kicking out fiercely at the world around me.what went wrong?

2006-06-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

i stared into blank space and started imagining stuffs while trying to get some facts about op-amp right.all the what ifs appeared and everything started to crumble right before my eyes.

what if tomorrow never comes and i never will have the chance to tell you what i always wanted to.

felt a pat on my back and it was mom.
"not watching the game today?" she asked with tired eyes
"im scared mom" shook my head and chuckled
"of what?your favourite team losing?" she laughed
"no.they will win!" i replied with confidence
she revealed that lovely smile and walked away.while i stared at that familiar back entering her room.
"more like scared of letting you down" i whispered to myself as i stared at that unkempt pile of chemistry notes.

ohwell,some photos from the kiwi cup 2nd leg on 10th june 2006 @ homeground

alright.thats all for now and thats the reason why some of us are choosing boots over books.so it's 3 more days.till then,takecare and have a good time hitting those books.

2006-06-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

we used to listen to the radio
and sing along with every song we'd know
we said someday we'd find out how it feels
to sing to more than just the steering wheel

;

remember those times when we sat by that amp in the corner of your poster infested room with your ilbanez plugged in.and discovered the hidden musician beneath that grouchy nature of yours.how much fun bro.the stayovers we had talking bout that girl next door and how the geeks get the girls.those sharings with a couple of drinks by our side.now they're miles and miles away.it's all that you cant leave behind but thats what memories are meant to be as you flipped through those phto albums.

;

some random thoughts and off-the-mind blabbering just to get away from those books while telling mom i'm doing an online assignment.

is it just me but i feel that human beings are so controlled by the fruits of their hard labour.so much into coming up with the latest phone designs and going through those complicated javascripts of online chatting.i think what we lacked most is the simplest but sweetest face to face conversations.so much can be exchanged off the phone and the net but when you appear,i just got so tongue tied.the same applies for almost anybody.the negligence of face to face conversations.

you seemed miles away when you're just inches away

and teddy geiger wrote such great stuff for his hit.depiction of true life in lyrics.

;

ohwell,maybe i should not dwell on such trivial matters because i havent looked into those piles and stacks of notes with imminent blanks everywhere.

;

so kiwi cup ended on 10th june.we lost to the rafflesians.
final aggregrate; st andrew's XV 22 - raffles XV 29
on a lighter note,we played so much better in the second leg with a sweet 12-7 victory.conditions were terrible back at home.but we played with one heart despite having B boys in our team.no defeats so far back at home.

well, pictures speak a thousand words,so shall upload those photos someday soon.haha.but whenever i look back,i will feel a tinge of sadness because 10th june was the last time we will be playing in the blue and white stripes.although it was just a short 6 months relative to the 6 yrs or even more for some others,the 6 months meant alot.how much it impacted my life and how much we went through together as one.and it's exactly a month since the victory of the A div but everything seemed to happen just yesterday.thankyou st andrew's rugby team and the great brothers i acquainted along the journey.

;

had a game today and it feels good to play alongside big names you've heard but never had the opportunity to play alongside with.a talented pool of ruggers.thanks guys for a wonderful game today.

;

i cannot hold back

the truth no more

i let you wait too long

although it's hard and scares me so

a life without you scares me more

2006-05-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

a continuation from the previous entry

at the debrief after the AC game,gene told us about the trngs lined up for us for the week until 17th may.when "we have to hit the track on friday for the last time this season before meeting RJ again" came from his mouth,all our faces changed.we always dreaded tracks.well,who doesnt man?so yup.but for that moment,we didnt care and cont to enjoy the victorious moment.have to thank amelia,fiona,liangyang and so much more for the phone calls to congratulate our victory.

so thursday was a video and hydro session for all of us.all of us were released early from class.after the hilarious hydro session,we went down to support the soccer boys who did well to qualify for the semis.friday was supp to be the track session but the sudden thunderstorm forced us to have our fitness session in the hall.half and hour of circuits non stop and half an hour of suicides non stop.totally knocked out.

saturday came.so it was 4 days to the finals and we had a trng session at the finals venue.police academy (CCK).was a good session with variations to our lineout calls and it was good to see the determination everyone was putting in despite the aches from the previous trng.ended the session and had a great night out with alex,khairul,liang,joel and jesse.the KFC dinner and para para were unforgettable.

monday and tues had trngs at our beloved potong pasir field.i remember on tues most of the J2s were pretty emo.becos it was our last trng as st andrew's ruggers and when thought about the first time we came and trained together,there was no doubt all of us searched deeply down our soul.

[17th May 2006]
the day finally settled in.i was late for school.but oh well,that wasnt the point.had a team breakfast together before heading to the trophy room to rest saw you as i went to collect my physics spa notes at the gallery but all you could do was just turn away and nth from you at all before the game.but nvm.

slpt so well with eugene that i actually dropped my pack of ice.hahaha.so yupp.after slping we had a good lunch and shitting session.hahaha.before major vas came in to take us for our psyching up session.the same routinal things,but i dint feel what i felt during the session for the AC game.i wasnt really hyped up.and that gradual fall led to something really bad.so major vas had to rush off and the coaches were left to speak to us.we had an individual assessment and coaches gave us our individual strengths.really enjoyed it.haha.each one of us got remarks and praises.mrs lim came in to present us with our jerseys.what she said made some sense in a way and when she left,gene showed us the photos throughout the entire season.totally overwhelming.after which,taping was done hastily and we had to rush to board our coach to CCK.saw a couple of my classmates because they were actually so nice to be one of the classes to book the buses to head down to CCK.thanks guys.

on the bus journey,taping was done and in a blink of an eye,we reached the somewhat familiar police academy which we had set our feet on thrice this season.

got everything ready and off we were for warm up.rafflesians came in 20 mins before the game and started to do lunges,push ups etc while we were having our team runs.

afterwhich,we all headed to our changing rooms to have a team talk and the last psyching session.whoever said it was rare to see tears from ruggers would be severely mistaken if he/she saw what happened in the changing room.some of us started to tear and sob due to the overwhelming effect.and poof.off we were to the pitch.

when we jogged onto the pitch,the immense applause and cheerings from our fellow school mates gave all of us an adrenalin.had the last couple of team runs and off we were in with the ref at the other end of the field and made our way down to the other.we did our haka.which was the first time in 17 yrs.brought about some awe and surprises to the crowd.sis took a perfect video of it.thanks mann.

so off went the whistle and we were on.liang kicked off well and we gave chase.smack the ball carrier on first hit and everything was going so fine.one smack after another.gave chase.massive lineouts due to the massive kickings from rafflesians.and scrums.an infringement by a rafflesian gave us the lead as malcolm went for the points and converted it well.

3-0 up for the saints.

all of us believed that this was going to be our game.we all were hyped up.but for me,i must admit that i cracked after the first lineout.totally off.i did everything so badly.screwed up my scrums and mauls.

however,RJ came back even stronger and scored a try through their fast winger.we got caught as they handed the ball out wide.so 5-3.we found ourselves chasing.

more lineouts,scrums and massive kickings.we actually had a couple of good chances,but RJ defence gave us no space and gap to punch through.we thought that rolling mauls will be a good strategy against a strong RJ backline.to our surprise,RJ's rolled mauls against us and we felt it was difficult to hold them back.was trying our best to defent against them too."beep" went the half time whistle.

at half time.we were all tired.rafflesians were known for their fitness and fast runners.we on the other hand relied on tight play.5-3 the score and gene was unhappy.marcus yelled.gene came to apply deep heat on my neck again.the stinging pain on my neck woke me up from my dreamy and screwed up mode.

so in we went for the second half.it did not take long for them to score a second try through zhehan who stepped and went all the way.so 10-3 the score and we felt even worse.more to chase.esp when we were just a few minutes into the second half.there were a few of us who totally cut off and gave up hope.but thanks to other few on the other hand who wanted the cup so damn badly.

then RJ came in hard again and tested our tryline defence.they came in at least 5 phases at the try line.i remembered clearing the first with sean and some others before sean pulled me up again to take them out on the 3rd phase.till the last phase,a rafflesian was penalised for holding the ball in a ruck and thus scrum to saints.

there was a held up and at this point their looshead prop started to make noise,"so show me what you learn during trng and scrum practices lar.come on come on!woohoo!" but sean shut his gap by ramming right through.lol.

so RJ rolled in fresh legs.and when they came into scrums,according to khairul,they were high-fiving with each other.every single one of them looked as tho they won the rugby world cup.that was when things started to turn our way.

we started to dominate them in rucks,scrums and lineouts.was making hell lot of noise at the lineout to confuse their call.haha.but oh well.the clock was ticking down.

the last 10 mins of the game was the 10 mins of my entire season.and we provided the spectators with 10 mins of pure entertainment uncensored.we decided to go all out and play the hell out.i remembered we had a break and arthur brought the ball in.with 4 players going against him,he decided to set it up and so off the tights went in to secure the ruck before setting up anotehr phase and khairul broke right through to score against the green black and white right between the posts.malcolm converted the try well and so we're levelled.at this point of time,RJ had subbed out some crucial players and im sure they were pretty worried.

so off we were playing the time of our lives.3 mins were left in the game.khairul yelled,"come on guys,this is the last 3 mins of the game.3 mins of your lives!lets do it!come on!saints!" that truly sparked us off.and even more so when rafflesian lock was sin binned for repeated offences.so they had one man short and on the sidelines,marcus called for forwards to set a phase.off sherwyn went,taking 3 players with him.and then liang sheng brought it forward and then.poof.we gained hell lot of ground.inches and inches we moved towards the tryline.then a lineout was given to us.the call was for jeremy to get the ball.lifted him up and started to roll a maul.kept driving and driving until someone set another phase and i remembered peeping up while trapped in a ruck and saw alex with the ball diving for the try zone.

beep,the whistle went and the try was allowed!so off we were with 5 points ahead of them.we know pretty well there was not much time left and you should have been there to feel the ecstacy of the crowd and our team.malcolm failed to convert it but "breeeeppp" ref signalled and end to the game.

i was pretty lost because my ankle was in immense pain but when i saw khairul jumping and screaming with sas boys rushing right into the field.we all knew it!we WON!!15-10 the final score and the crowd rushed down too!thanks SAJC!the first guy who came to hug me was nick teoh who came rushing from the sidelines!thanks nick!a couple of us started to tear!i teared when i thought of how far we came and from a team with no faith in entering the finals to a finalist then a cup champion in 17 yrs!it all came to my mind.i was crying so much so that when juls came and screamed,"hey champion alr!" all i could do was to nod and grabbed his hands.

..to be continued..

2006-05-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

it'd been exactly a month since we walked out of RJC's pitch in defeat,13-7 the final score during the group stages.everything changed when we decided to tune it up and i remembered gene said right after the game,"you guys did well today and you have one chance to meet them again.i'll give you one more chance and thats on 17th May.do you want to beat them not?" the unanimous reply was nothing more than a "yes sir!"

so off we were into trngs and intensively preparing for every single game.came the game with JJC which we won not in the best style but the entire team was done with an irritating bug and everybody was not feeling well at all.29-0 the score.then came SRJC which we played really badly in the first half and got reprimanded by gene yet again.the stinging remark,"hey,you guys here,i'm ashamed to be your coach" that shook us up.we felt really bad in a way towards the way we play and we were not playing up to the standards anyone wearing the stripes should be.doubled that score in the 2nd half and we won with 68 points to nothing.

more intensive trngs came up ahead as we realised what we were in for.semi-finalist for the A division police cup.opposition,ACJC.strong and hard.this team is one that will punish you for any mistakes and gaps.not an easy team coupled with their strong rugby tradition,it was indeed a game to be at.

10th May 2006.the day everything changed for the SAJC rugby team.i remembered during the psyching up session with major vas,i was already tearing.together with khairul.it was simply superb.overwhelming and when asked to lead the team in the intention creed.the pride was awesome.and the 3 people i thought of when asked to do so was mom,dad and gene.

headed down to police academy and had warm-up.werent looking the sharpest at all and had a couple of mistakes.it was my first semis.i dont know what to expect.playing ACJC for the first time.at front row.you nv know whats installed.sherwyn told me that alan man will be my opposition prop which explained my sigh of relieve when i couldnt spot him in the game.

the game kicked off and everything was rolling.AC was really hard but we managed to pressure them in their own 22.the first penalty kick was converted by malcolm and we were 3 pts up.then came a penalty for AC and they converted it well too.3-3.i could feel the anxiety of the crowd,the panic we had.miscommunications led to a wrong decision when we were in their 22 as khairul heard set a phase up by the coaches as setting a line out up.luckily for us,we managed to win that lineout and sent a driving maul,khairul striked it out to liang as the backs did a swift move and alex crashed right through the scattered AC defence and punched right through a gap to score in between the posts.the elation we had was tremendous!i remember seeing jesse and liang so happy.and deep down inside,i felt we could make history!malcolm converted the try and everything seemed like a fairytale!10-3 the score.just before half time,malcolm scored another penalty,giving us a 10 point lead.13-10 at half time.

we were all tired from the first half of actions.thanks to whoever who was helping me loosen up my muscles.drank a hell lot as we listened to gene,marcus,roy and mr wee.at that time we had the belief that we can make history!we held on to it and pressed on.gene loves to psyche players up with his very own method.and i could feel the pride when he said,"come on ar khainam.doing well.you can do it ar.come on!"it was tremendous.i went back on and the whistle went.

lots of lineouts due to the massive kickings from both teams.defence then offence and defence again.every lineout was causing some stress on my taped up wrist.but nonetheless..
then everything started to get panicky.AC rolled in a couple of fresh legs.alan came on as prop and as my oppo prop.hes a massive and hard player.so everything kept rolling.AC kept using their fore runners to punch inches by inches but our defence held them up.10 mins.then 20.in the last 5 mins,AC handed the ball out wide and scored from their speedy winger.13-10 the score after conversion and everybody started to panick.we wanted to win it so badly that we put in all that we got.

tensions were running high till finally the final whistle went.the mixed feelings of shock and elation filled me.i was too happy and shocked at the moment to react.all i remembered was i teared and hugged arthur,sherwyn,khairul,alex and many more.finally after 17yrs,we are gg back into the finals.no more playoffs for all of us!

at the end of the game,we saw the tears from the AC players and they were really upset at the loss.our tears were tears of joy,but theirs were the tears of pain.the pain of losing out in a place of the finals.they were the reigning champions.but thats the beauty of rugby.anything will happen and its all in the players' hands.but we really appreciated the way ACJC played and the determination they displayed.they came in hard at us and we felt it was indeed a great game between the 2 sides.thanks guys.

click here for the pictures and an overview of the game

so trngs went on.and it was exactly a week before we meet RJC again in the finals on 17th MAY 2006 at the new police academy.a tinge of excitement,anxiety and doubtfulness evolved around the team.but the flame was still burning brightly ever.

...to be continued..

2006-05-06T09:17:00.000-07:00

i dont know how i should be feeling when i came across stuffs over someone else's blog.such an irony especially so when i know it shouldnt bother me at all.it's time,they told me.

on a lighter note,had a training camp over friday and saturday.was indeed a good bonding session before the semis.learnt a lot during trng on friday and afterwhich had parents-tutor meeting which only saw off mr stanley shooting me right through in front of mom.whats new,when you created so much crap and did not attempt any tutorials for his lesson.

"..khainam is a student of only average ability in physics.."
"..maybe he should consider dropping a subject,hes obviously not coping with the 4 subs.."
"..i must say,that khainam is not a very disciplined student.hes way below average in dillegence wise as compared to his classmates.."
"..this coming world cup will be a big distraction for him.."
"..do reflect about it khainam.."

all the stuffs he said to mom and i.it took a good 45 minutes to end that conversation.but i could see he was running out of stuffs to say bout me towards the end and was circling round the same issues.oh come on.

anyhow,had a mental session right after that and we came up with our own intention for this season.superb.took me 4 tries to finally get through it while some guys took just once.it just showed how much they wanted this season.

we saints, hereby promise to be committed,
and trust our teammates,
to forgive their mistakes,
and to bank on teamwork,
to help our team become the 2006 A division natonal champions

had a game this morning with centaurs at turf city.tensions were running high,but oh well.pretty decent game with a great first half,well done guys,esp so for the starting backs who linked up so well today.lets cont to work our way through and keep our focus on

for you,get well soon.

thats all for now i guess.till then.

2006-04-22T03:54:00.000-07:00

recollections of 21st April 2006

we arrived at rj's pitch early and were confused by the multiple lines on the pitch which included the soccer's outline.and everything was a mess.the sun was blazing hot.the pitch,dry and hard.try-zone,narrow and small.

had a couple of team runs before the actual run.all 28 of us were all ready and we know we wnated this game badly.not to prove our worth or any of that sort,but to play our best and not let ourselves and our school down.

circled round khairul and mr tong started to apply deep heat on our necks.it was biting and we felt really uncomfortable,but that wasnt the point because we were focus for one thing.to take on those green,black and white.

all i remembered was the sea of blue and white against the pool of pure whites with green patches here and there.

the referee sounded the whistle and we were on.the kick off by rj's standoff led to confusion between the 3 players but louis cleared it.

everything from this point was just plain vague memory.

had a couple of scrums and lineouts.frustrations at the lineouts were hitting us nowhere and the low comm was the key issue to the first points taken by the rafflesians.

3 points down but not the team.

personally felt that opposition forwards were diving in and pulling us along but the ref call was to penalise us for diving into rucks.but anyhow,had more scrums and lineouts lining up in the game.hard scrums from the opposition pack but we showed no signs of giving up.oh did i mention that a lot of kickings were involved too?

anyhow,one error from our side saw the opposition winger through and burst all the way to the try line and placed the ball between the 2 poles.conversion was successful.

jesse came in

10 points down.but the team spirit wasnt withering.

had some frustrations trying to get the comm level up.and the blazing sun was a factor for the fatigue.the whistle went and referee signalled for half time.

had a good re-organisation done by mr tong and marcus.got oursleves all ready and perk up to fight back.

the whistle went again for the 2nd 30 minutes.we had the kick off and smashed the ball carrier.

had a few scrums and lineouts before more points were seized by rafflesians through our own mistakes.

13 points down.

we could hear the crowd cheering.familiar lines like, "SA,all the way" "lets go SA lets go" and "saints saints saints saints saints!" all the chantings.thanks to the wonderful crowd.

scrums,lineouts,kicks,mauls and rucks.they all went on.

boon got sin binned.for an infringement i still aint quite sure about,but hell did we lose one valuable player and well done to alex,liang sheng and marc chua who covered up so well.

samuel came in to take me at one line out.felt frustrated esp when you know you still want to do your part but an injury suffered right before this season disallowed you to.

scrums,lineouts,rucks,mauls and kicking.oh hard running too.

aldric went in and he scored the try through a tremendous team effort.

13-5.felt an adrenaline and we wanted to smash them badly.

brought in the "T" for liang and he converted it well.

13-7.main aim was to give all out and win the game.

the scoreline remained with the scrums,lineouts and stuffs still occuring.

st andrew's rugby fought hard and showed the pure determination to win the game.however,time wasnt on our side and we ended the big game over here with a score of 13-7.

it may have been a loss for the saints but our sportsmanship was truly commendable in the game as we showed rafflesians the respect they deserved.

13-7 the final score.

.memories.

2006-03-17T05:16:00.000-08:00

and all I've been doing is protecting

a lie for the sake of my pride

while all the others set me thinking

straight to the point of what I'm feeling

oh we could be more than just amazing

2006-02-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

the first entry in 2 months and 25 days

..finally found time to do a summary on what happened the past 2 months..well,not like i spent my time doing some hardcore mugging or anything.haha.im just lazy to blog.

lets see;
moving into st andrews village was great.it was really good to have training sessions with jnr and sec school boys.and got some media coverage on the first friday.

trainings,studies;

RSN 10s on 14th January
was in team A alongside sean,gerald,aldric,samuel,alvin,kian ming,jesse,taihong,nick teoh,chester,gabriel,jairus,herng yih,
team B managed to secure the title they won last year by edging out raffles with drop kicks and team A got shield runners-up losing to the navy side.

trainings,studies;

then came chinese new year which wasnt very chinese new year for me.haha.ohwells,maybe its just that age is catching up and the collection of red packets,steamboat dinner and yusheng dint seem to appeal as they did when we were much younger.

trainings,studies;

release of O's results.many of the DSA boys did not manage to stay on.but we promised to stay as one family unbroken.thankyous to suhaimi,ashraf,victor,taihong,ryan and those whom i could not remember at this point of time.for trainings wouldnt have been such fun and intense without your presence.esp to suhaimi and ashraf for all the guidance in the game.thankyou guys.

UWC 10s at United World College (SEA) on 11th February
the last game for DSA boys who could not stay in the college.the day we fought,bleed and cried for we are one family unbroken.one team,one spirit.all i remembered was seeing suhaimi standing alone after mr wee's speech and tears rolled down everyone's eyes.khairul came and teared as he hugged ash.and i guess it was the overwhelming effect that made me teared as well when ash came along and all of us just huddled and cried.
a day for all of us to remember.

trainings,studies;

everybody's starting to gear up for the police cup.we had one goal in mind.to be a police cup finalist.training matches scheduled.game against NTU on 17th feb was the first in months without the DSA boys and i realised even more,how much more work all of us must get into now and how much a part an individual got to give for the team.we all know that we have to step up now.

trainings,studies;

so here im taking some time off to finish up this entry.haha.till the next time i find some time,seeyou then.

2005-12-31T06:32:00.000-08:00

peered over and saw the clock's second hand ticking away.it just seemed like yesterday when i was typing on this same laptop this day last yr in my super depressed mode after a stayover at koon's.and now here we are,looking forward for a brand new 2006.which might be good..or not.hahah.

well.the yr had been filled with ups and downs.people came and left in my life.well a short summary of this year.

started off well in jan,fate allowed me to meet up with some new ppl of my life.except for james and yuliang who had been with me throughout 4 yrs in cat high.hahah.i was really blessed to have these guys with me.spent wonderful times together,getting into trouble and doing the most spastic and well..hmm..the most romantic stuffs too.and also not forgetting the point when i really believed in coincidence and fate when i met my senior class because there had been people whom i met on bus.and some fellows from good old cat high.hahaha.then came the dreary O's when all of us hoped life will cont to be the way as it is for the past few months.well.many of my dear classmates managed to stay on and i got booted out of the school due to some lame reasons.but well.thats how stuffs work.and everything's not so smooth sailing after all.

couple of people to thank in these most wondersul months of my 17 years here on earth. thankyous to 05s15.esp james,yuliang,prak,zhongxian,xiancong,haowen,zhiyuan.all of whom had gone through all those shit with me. haha.thanks to zhijun and kirana.for that little note you girls gave aft o's release. thanks to shuyu and dency for the sisterly love.hahah. thanks to the ij girls. everybody basically.ahaha. thanks to 04s15 for the greatt memories too.for without whom we will never be able to enjoy our stay in njc.thanks to mic and lingyi,both my angel and mortal.haha.thanks to stanley, pengfei, xuwei, lubin, weijun, chunhow for leading us astray.haha.thanks to woon ee for always being someone so stupid and crazyy.haha.thanks to nj track and field.esp teck kuan,sum,hengyi,guan wen,qingxiang,leon,ziyou,gavin,rachel,shaowei.all of whom had braved thru so much with me together esp during the down down period.also not forgetting mr loh.for all his efforts in helping my appeal and also for waking me up when i was living in a whirl.oh and not forgetting all his treats and everything.haha.indeed a GTO.

it was another brand new start in a whole new environment from late march.was pretty reluctant to let go and everything.finding it pretty hard to survive.felt really down bad and shitty.but still,thanks to a couple of people too.the co ppl whom i spent my better days with,the class of funny people.thanks to jagathis and bryan for without whom, life would be much muchh worse.

so it was basically living in a whirl and state of denial between the months of april to october.6 months of crap,dreamy mode.nth to look forward to,dead in school,oh maybe sth better was to participate in the 5th syf of my life.and some amazing performances and attaining that post.but still,i must apologise to co ppl for aft the month of sept,i was planning to leave you guys for something which i want to do more.so apologies when i finally left in october.

the month of november marked a new beginning.turned 17th and i found life in another bunch of fun people and coaches.thankyous to eugene,sean,louis,sam,malcolm,gerald,liangsheng,sherwyn, javier,arthur,khairul and lots more.thank you guys for everything.

oh this hols wldnt had been so great without the first bunch of ppl i mentioned.the hangouts,the men's talk,the chalet,the xmas party,the soccer sessions,the lan sessions.so much fun that i hope life will stay the way as it is and i really dread school.but still.we have to go on.

special thanks to sharon who had always been there to listen to my troubles whenever im feeling so down and lost in life.and allowing me to know that whenever stuffs happen,the person i can relate to will be you.

special thanks to teck kuan, sum, andy, mr loh, james.you guys are just superb.tk,sum,andy and james.the crap and joy we all shared the stupid shit we did and the dinners we had at sumo will never be forgotten.thankyou mr loh for always so encouraging,telling me what to do whenever im so lost,guiding me back to the right track in life and everything.thankyou dude.

special thanks to brotherhood of love.esp to my bro james for being free everytime i wanna be out to get stuffs and yuliang for being someone so reserved but always the one giving sound advices.not forgetting ZHONGXIAN.hahah.for that call that night.hahaha.and dont worry.i did not sabotage you bro.dont feel down mann dude.hahaha.with the same nick,we shall welcome 2006 with hope and joy.haha.

special thanks to zhijun and kirana for being the usual few girls to hang out with the brotherhood of love.thanks zhijun for organising the chalet and for ur xmas present.haha.kirana ho for the late night calls which often ended up with nothing but whole loads of crap and bullshit.hahaha

special thanks to chew for ur stupid calls and ur complaints and you listening to mine.hahaa.bomb my room nxt hols mann.look on the bright side of life yup dude.

special thanks to koon,for being the brother i can rely on and i just wanna say sorry for somethings which i did.special thanks also to sylvia for all the little surprises out of nowhere.haha.

special thanks to andy lee for being one of my closest retarded cousins.haha.being in the same school together for 4 yrs and 3 mths.hahaha.thanks for everything dude.

special thanks to my family.for without whom i will be nobody.thanks mummy and dad.thankyous to my 2 beloved sisters.

last but not the least.
special thanks to you for enduring this super long entry.

alright.so its till 2006 and till then..

2005-12-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

christmas wasnt very christmas for me.haha.alright.guess that should be all about christmas.

though we all looked forward to christmas,but it would mark more or less an end of the hols and the start of a new year.which may sound great.but.the new term just shuts everything off.

there are far too many unaccomplished things this hols.like.bombing my room with chew.and that's so frustrating cos i cant seem to get rid of the pile of shit in my room.hahaha.nvmnvm.next hols.hahaha

.black wall with a green day splattered across.

2006.i hope it will come fast and end fast it cos when it ends,it will mean no more studying for at least 2 yrs.hahaha.which sounds greatt.at least for now.hahaha.

What day is it

And in what month

This clock never seemed so alive

I can't keep up and I can't back down

I've been losing so much time

i watched the video and i thought about you.sounds absurd and ridiculous but yes.

then i thought of this and the virtual ramblings in my head;

kirana,kirana lim zhong xian

kirana,kirana,zhongxian,

kirana,zhongxian,

what a perfect match

;

it's haowen the xiaoting's man

haowen is xiaoting's man

haowen and xiaoting will come to a wedding.

it's haowen the xiaoting's man

;

at njc,pengfei dency,

and with dency

pengfei's happy

only dency..

we all happy,

pengfei's ready,

wheres the baby??

;

i love you

you love me

we are happy s15,

with the great big scandals

and the brotherhood of love

dont you think we're all damn cool?

and i thought of all of you.hahaha.and the day when we borrowed 10 minutes from ms chen's civics to perform this.hahahaha.esp the performers.haha.who took that video?hahaha.i want it!hahaha.

getting a little cranky and spastic now.but yup.hahaha.thats how life should be.crazy and not screwed up.hahaha.

..ohno.now i feel like talking to james,yuliang,ZHONGXIAN,haowen,prakaash,zhiyuan,xiancong..
hahaa.esp the name in caps.hahahaha.

right.getting out of here.till then;

2005-12-16T10:33:00.000-08:00

random random thoughts

was laying on my bed blog browsing with my screen in front of me,when beautiful soul caught my ear.memories from that cosy and lovely corner of my puny brain resurfaced again.but this time round,i felt like crying.odd,but i cant help it.

had the sudden urge to visit the s15 blog and all those entries we wrote back during our first 3 months;commenting on our tutors,picking up the habit of sleeping in lectures,elaborating the excitement of our first class outing,the enthusiasm of being a college student.etc.etc.well,i looked back at all my old entries in that old blog too.one by one,i re-read them..it's quite amusing when you looked back at those entries you once thot were interesting.haha

strange as it may be,it was until this afternoon did i fully and truly realised how much i missed the past.how much i missed the cat high days,clad in the green shorts with 7 buttons on the shirt.how much i missed the first 3 months.how much i missed the prev hols.how much i missed the old me.

don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.

yes.the problem with khainam is that he's often too caught up with past events and he enjoys reminiscing them even though it may result in tears rolling down;so YES.i must and will try my best to change this.hahaa.i must.

well,so much for random random thots,had a greatt night out with the usual fallout boys.hahahaha.sum,tekko and james.haha.andy was absent.haha.and thats not good because only the 5 of us will make a perfect hangout gang.hahaha.nvm nvm.another nightout soon.hahaha.cranky night filled with stupid jokes,spastic behaviour and incredible laughters.

dear somebody,you are dearly missed.

alright.thats all for now.till then.

2005-12-04T10:17:00.000-08:00

saturday (03/12/2005)

past vs present.was pretty overwhelming to see almost the entire saints rugby family gathered together to have a game or two and to enjoy ourselves.ruggers of all ages.U14 to O(ver)35.how amazing.people meeting up with familiar faces,loads of catching up done,reminiscing bout the good old days.it feels good to be playing alongside not only your own current team mates but also the coaches and graduated ruggers who can really joke off the pitch but when it comes to playing,there was no room for jokes and complacency.a bunch of really interesting people i'd met on this very day.dint get to play very much tho,but it was a really good experience.

after the various games,many stayed for the dinner catered for us by the alumni.food was great,ambience was no doubt excellent.how much more can one expect from this meaningful get-together..

after the dinner and interaction,had to rush off to snrs' farewell for my previous track mates.was awfully late and i couldnt turn up in some funky retro sense becos of the games in the aftnoon,but well,dress codes are secondary because whats more important is to meet up with the guys whom i had not met for a long long time.yet another hella good time together.really missed those fellows.esp the J1 team mates,ppl like ziyou,gavin,leon.etc..but well,the J2s as well.esp the guys.how we first met as a team,den further on as friends,initial hi-s and byes evolving into hi-s and byes and a lil more,and it just keeps going on.

..be amazed,but time travels at 9908394843 km/h. a year had almost passed just like this..

memories of;

how i first received titus's msg rgding trng and how he took all the J1 boys for trngs

my first day in the big family, sitting alone till rachel approached and told me to mingle around. and the first 2 guys i spoke to,GAVIN and ZIYOU

my first conversation with sum was when he asked me to describe that starry night sky while we were heading for dinner aft trng.

my first conversation with alan in the toilet and he asked if i played magic..haha

my first impression of mr rene loh in the gym.joker.and i wasnt too far off.just that besides being a joker,hes a really nice and encouraging man.

my first impression of leon,mr "i-am-too-good-to-talk-you".i must admit,i was really wrong back then because he turned out to be one of my closest trng mate and still is.funny,lame,crappy.all the various adjective to describe this joker.haha

my first REAL conversation with gunawen rgding CNY and the memorable trip to marche hrs before trng with rachel.haha

the fact that i found out shaowei was a fellow chongfu boy which explains why he seemed so familiar at first sight.

not forgetting one important person.and thats teck kuan.someone i had known back in my green shorts day.someone whom you can really trust and joke with.someone who will share your troubles and a very very very very responsible throws i/c.

;

oh, and sharon was really nice to pass me one of the CDs which were meant for the graduating snrs.thankyou so much.

all those memories which i kept in the small lil corner of my puny brain dedicated for this bunch of people started to resurface as i ran through the videos and pictures in the CDs.theres still this teeny weeny bit of unwillingness to let go in my head yst that i cldnt sleep but stayed up all night just to think about those good old days.

..well,we must all learn to let go..

BUT;

im really blessed to have found another bunch of crazy and funny fellows in a new environment. i must really thank god for allowing me to have the opportunity to meet them. the various frendlies and the major competition which we went through together.thank god for everything,and thankyou guys.

..till then..

2005-12-01T10:16:00.000-08:00

i tried to seek an answer for whats happening around me in periods of minutes today.

somehow,instead of finding an answer or rationale,i found myself sinking into a state of denial,going round and round in circles.i never did expect things to turn out this way.but they just start to fall apart,one by one,right there in front of you,right before your eyes.

theres this kind of uncertainty lingering around you,it's like one of those not-bothering but disturbing kind of feeling.i found myself questioning,"how to deal with this?" the entire afternoon.and i couldnt find someone suitable to talk to.maybe my good old brothers will be nice.

.you seemed miles and miles away though we were just inches apart.

but well,

before i forget,HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY to Yuliang.it seemed just like yesterday when we met,but it'd been a good 4 yrs my bro,4 yrs.hopefully that hershy's sundae pie was a good subst for a bday cake.haha.i owe you one,erm,i meant something decent.haha.but thanks for being around and all the hangouts.thanks dude.may you enjoy being a seventeener and now we shall all wait for good old james to turn 17.haha.and plans for his memorable bday will be drawn up,so dont worry.

so it's 2nd dec today and it's a birthday of a very very special lady.someone whom i loved at first sight.someone who will hug me whenever i am down.someone who will always live in my heart.someone so lovely,sweet and incredible.someone who seemed to have so much of faith in me.someone i disappointed on far too many occasions.but still,i love you so much.

;

happy birthday mommy

hahaha.yupp.we all love our moms dont we?hahaha.prak once told me during gp class that,"a person's maternal instinct are much greater relative to his or her paternal" hahaha.its amazing how much we can share when we're together.but for now.we seemed a lil too distant too.haha.its really a void not to have him in class anymore.

thats all for now.till then.

2005-11-26T01:02:00.000-08:00

it's pretty amazing how time flies.something i looked forward to so much was over in just a blink of an eye.23-25 november.simply awesome.the stupid things we did.

bbq,mahjong,playing soccer-cum-rugby-cum-bball at the open space,men's talk,watching liverpool and betis fighting it out,bacardi,stars-gazing with 3 guys and a girl,morning jog,shopping to prepare menu for breakfast,preparing breakfast cum alcohol addicts,dipping in jacuzzi,morning swim,streetsoccer,ice cream from st nick's girls,lunch,arcade,waterpolo-cum-captain's ball,singapore-vs-indonesia,biking,knocking-out,dinner at BK,k.o,cold cold night,gaying with mingfeng,waking up with yuliang,finding zj on that couch alone,truth unfolds,uncle-show,bananas,kirana's craving for more food the moment she woke,cup-noodles,bridge,tv,wrestle-mania cum blanket party cum taupok,shower,pack,daytona,training,bade farewell.

yet it felt like we didnt do much.haha.yarh.zhongxian,our plan to raid red hse became a journey to dreamland.haha.but yupp.anyways,no one can doubt the amount of fun we all had.the gays.our life.but,you seemed so faraway.

that was an update for the past few days.and yup.off to koon's.till then,seeyou.

2005-11-16T06:24:00.000-08:00

.ill.

2005-11-09T03:08:00.000-08:00

wednesday.stuck at home trying to get some op stuffs done.only to find myself on the bed from 2-6.how wonderful.argh.and now i need to slog my ass off.

we seem to make so many empty promises without even realisng it.promises like
"i am here with you,i promise";
"im just a call away,i promise";
but more than often, when you need that somebody to talk to,he/she is nowhere to be found.no means in this technologically advanced world could reach him/her.

but ahh well.maybe we shouldnt ask for too much because god gave us the opportunity to have these people in our life,which we branded them as friends.but then again,what are friends when they cant seem to be found in cases when you needed them the most.

okok.random random thots.haha.so yupp.visited zong with a couple of ruggers on mon night.when zong described the pre-operation processes to us.and when something like, "i cant play the next season" came out of his mouth,there was this awkward silence lingering. it just made us thought more.it made me feel like tearing that moment.before javier broke the silence by speaking up to him.get well soon zong,and we're by your side.

anyhow,thanks gerald for that night.the ride back home was so fulfilling.so many thots exchanged and i had simply learnt so much from you that night.thanks dude.

getting back to work.ahh.things are looking kinda bad.but just hoping to get the pw over and done with as soon as possible.

2005-11-06T03:10:00.000-08:00

am here to make some amendments.decided a longer entry cos i simply cant let pw rule my life.haha.op is getting into shape.all thanks to my wonderful members.all the hard work.i hope we'll all do well.

yupp.so 2nd nov 2005.the date i will never forget my whole life.the joy.the pride.nothing could replace them.mistakes and lousy play from me no doubt.theres still a long long way to go.

so i kept hoping for some miracles.evidently,they dont come by easily.but oh well..

14th 14th 14th.it seems so far away.but not quite actually.come on.get it over and done with.

2005-11-01T04:43:00.000-08:00

011188
mom given birth to me at 1515

011189-011194
little recollection of what happened.was too young to understand anything back then

011195
had a Kentucky Fried Chicken Party with family

011196
Mom got me my first chess set.(haha) and i cant rem.haha

011197
mom and dad got me a wolverine figurine

011198
digimon craze back then and yup.got a blue and yellow one.hahha

011199
dinner with my family overseas

011100
having a great time after PSLE. celerated with jeffrey,tupu,weeteck,zuohou,lawrence,kelvin,zhou xiang

011101
late for school.haha.sherman returned the 5 bucks he owed and treated it as a bday gift

011102
celebrated with sherman, minzhong, aubrey and someone else(cant recall!!)

011103
ponned practice.(oops).celebrated with buddies in town.donated to michelle who was having her flag day in town.

01104
higher chinese paper.

011105
well spent with yuliang. james and haowen. and my greatt family too.
17th year on earth.

so many things grew up with me during the past years.
things like: family. ninja turtles. captain planet. banana in pyjamas. soccer. hollywood hulk hogan. schooling. flute. music. rock. jackie chan. stephen chow. the backstreet boys. the beatles. digimon. world cup. nba. major league baseball. F1. PSLE. O Level and so much more that this blog will not enough for me to list them all out.

oh.not forgetting all my dear friends through joys and sorrows.and also.the list of those who remembered, the time i got your well wishes.this might be the best way to tell you guys that i appreciated all your wishes greatly.THANKYOU and im really blessed to have found a friend in everyone of you.

so here it goes;

Bernice -- 23:57:09
Ying Qi -- 00:01:09
Sin Yee -- 00:01:35
Rachel -- 00:02:53
(happy birthday to you too)
Eva -- 01:14:17
Camillus -- 03:38:14
Shweta -- 08:00:21
Sompong -- 09:01:19
Seng -- 09:01:59
Chew -- 09:21:40
Hui Xuan -- 09:29:22
Min Zhong -- 10:52:13
Hui Qi -- 11:02:11
Hock -- 13:36:00
Zhi Jun -- 13:44:00
Peng Fei -- 15:27:21
Joachim -- 15:45:22
You Loo -- 15:50:00
Yin Hai -- 16:01:06
Sylvia -- 18:44:02
Zhong Xian -- 19:02:00
Yue Xiang -- 20:04:56
Christie -- 21:01:10
Peishan -- 21:45:06
Jeremy -- 22:30:00
Shui Yong -- 22:46:13
Hui Qi -- 22:55:41
Baldwin -- 23:00:00
Loke -- 23:38:18
Woon Ee -- 00:10:26
Tupu -- 00:17:07

hope i did not miss anybody out in that list.haha.ohoh,not forgetting guan wen, isaac, evi, shuyu, xiaoting, xuwei, prakaash, woon ee and junjie who wished me online. Also, amelia and teck kuan for their early well wishes.lastly, the 3 great guys who spent a hella good aftnoon with me.haha.thankyous to yuliang,haowen and james.haha.

so much had happened over the past 17 years here on earth.this year certainly wasnt an easy one.

thankyous to all who made my 17th bday such a wonderful one.

17. i dont feel seventeen at all;

but then again,i miss you.

2005-10-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

.whats done cannot be undone.
.but did i do the right thing.

you know sometimes.you dont wish to hurt anybody in the process of your decision.but more than often.you cannot find a win-win situation for all parties involved.how can that be possible.sometimes.someone must learn to let go.learn to be more understanding.no one is right in this type of situation,but surely a compromise can be reached.

then i thought about what you said.maybe you were so right.your words will always be in my mind.thanks so much.

so tomorrow.tts it.anxiety,excitement and evrything. hopefully everything will be fine.

2005-10-07T10:33:00.000-07:00

1058.khainam was sitting on the 2nd column of E21-E23. frantically trying to finish his math paper.but to no avail.

happy endings for many.sad for some.disheartening for me.hahaha.but whatever the case.it's all over.and sitting down this aftnoon,trying to recall what happened through the 4 days was so amusing.

tuesday.woke up and found myself stuck in a pile of shitty array of phy and econs notes.procastination for the whole year and the "whyyouworry" attitude showed me my just desserts when the clock struck 1400 and i was stuck with one topic.i kind of got so nervous that i told myself,"what the heck,just give it up and retain for good".but that picture of mom and i in that ikea photo frame pressed me on.well.i did make an effort to complete as much as i can.but..well.u know wads the effect of cramming so much in one day.

wednesday.physics at 8.was really grateful to carson and andy for their help in clearing some last min concepts.got into hall.found myself directly beneath the aircon.freezing.stuck at MCQs.the came essay questions.werent much better.blanks here and there.nothing i could do.i couldnt even crap a single thing to fill those blanks.phy ended and at 10.one paper down.3 to go.one more 3 hrs later.saw jag off at the gate as he went home and i sourced for a quiet corner to cramp econs concepts into my puny brain.cldnt have more time to practice some mcqs.was trying desperately to get the essay part.my whole mind was filled with so many MC,P,AR,MR,TVC,AVC.i nearly got so mixed up.1300.econs.mcq was hell.ans given were so damn close.but ahh.essay wasnt that good too.25 mark question was screwed big time.but well.paper ended in 2h10 mins.took a cab home in hope to mug harder for chem on the nxt day.

wednesday evening.got back home and sis was watching "goodbye lenin".i was hooked on it too.wasted a good 2 to 3 hrs.oh mann.and when i realised wad kind of state im in.it was too late.no concepts on org chem.had to mug the whole damn thing in less than a day.zzz.i was trying desperately to mug for the whole thing.but.sigh.i tried.the whole night.i dint catch any sleep.dad woke up a couple of times and urged me to bed.shd have listened to him.and leaving out alcohol was such a damned mistake.

thurs,0800.commencement of chem.was sitting at the last column behind sam.man.i got that paper and my mind was in a whirl.then a blank.i was like.oh wadde hell is this.cldnt get the rxns and things.shit pit i was falling into.i sat and i nearly cried becos it was the worst paper of my whole promos.i knew this was gonna hit me.sitting down on my seat.knowing how to do nothing.paper ended at 1015.den again.took cab and gave jag a lift to queensway.haha.but damn it lar.the 2 days of cabbing shrunk my wallet a hell lot.

got back home at 1130.i was so damn tired.had lunch with dad and knocked out completely.i dint even know dad went out to get stuffs.woke up and found myself in bed and the clock showing 1430.i felt it was okay and began getting my math stuffs.just the same old thing.having difficulties with integration and some impt concepts.did not spend the day practicing.but instead was trying to clear concepts and get formulae rightt.slept at an early half past ten aft a lesson learnt.

friday.the alarm went.i woke at 0530.interation formulae are not in my head yet.oh mann.i knew i will be dead lar.tried to force it in on my way to school with carson and andy.oh.carson.thankyou so much for your help at cafe.haha.and andy.thanks for coaching me physics.ahh.but i went into E block and my whole head was like."ahh last paper.maybe it does make a diff,maybe not.so why worry so much."got my writing paper and the paper commenced at 0758.i spent a good 10 mins.writing down formulae for integration,differentiation and trigo down.explaining whyi did not have the time at the back and was really panicky.math was relatively better than my other papers. but the obstacle came at question 6 and it was almost all the way down..zzz.demoralising paper somehow.gerald walked over and said he left out too many marks.guess it will be okay dude.but ahh.so many felt it was okay.easier than expected.but i looked at jag and we shook our heads.zzz.

so 1100.all was completed.handed my script and arranged the tables back into their original positions and was wandering where the class will be heading.but then got spilt up and so no choice.left with jag and me again.and oh mann.jag stunned me with those swift moves in sth..wth.lunched and talked a tad more than usual.so many things abt sch.retaining.life.and career before heading home and got hooked on CM till now.but ahh..SPA on monday.zzz..certainly not the best time to have it..hahaha.

oh well.guess i will have to enjoy myself throughout this weekend and a couple of days more before i get those saddening results back.sighh.till then..

2005-09-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

damn.4 days from now.i can imagine myself getting stuck upon every questions in the papers.sitting at my seat,staring in blank space,thinking bout mom and dad,how much i'd let them down.i bet they had given up on me too.

i just hope so much that this mess will be cleared with help of a miracle.i just hope i can fall into a deep slumber.wake up and find myself in school on 11th oct.all will be over.why cant those oh-so-smart scientist and inventors invent a time turner?instead,we can only rest in our comfy crouch,read up on michael crichton's timeline and be amazed,horrified and marvelled by such a gadget in virtual life.

i had fallen victim to melancholy and nostalgic thoughts

over the past few days,had been going out to get brunch for my folks.it was nice when i chose to take the route which i had taken in my pri sch days.i could vaguely rem how mom used to fetch me to that road junction and left me aft that.i always had mixed feelings at that junction.i dread school back then.because i was so traumatised by my form teacher back den.haha.becos i am a real lousy student stuck with a bunch of smart ppl.the feeling sucks whenever i stepped into class.but then.i will look forward to school becos it will mean a brand new day to meet up with my besties.who else but jeffrey,wee teck,kelvin,zuohou,lawrence,tupu,samuel,wee siang,guo jun,zhou xiang and so many more.haha.they were the ppl you can really rely on.but esp so for jeffrey,weeteck,tupu and kelvin.all of whom i had known for more than half of my life.

as i got the brunch-es this morn,i chanced upon the road sign showing "BLK 260". suddenly, laughters,convo,arguments.they all lingered round my ears.that was where jeffrey used to stay and we would always walk back home together and part at the void deck.that was back in P5.i had the sudden urge to go back to where i spent my younger days.i stood at the lift lobby.i could feel an adrenalin.it was like as tho jeffrey and i had just parted.but then again it had been more than 4 yrs.i could rem the days when we will play badminton at the court nearby.the time when we were challenged by 2 malays in soccer at that very void deck.oh.how much i missed those days.as i took the all-so-familiar route home,i passed by the playground site where both of us used to spend our time having fun at after library visits.although the playground had been reconstructed with a rubber matting,i could still hear all those laughters we used to share when we were younger.it felt really good.

jeffrey,thanks for being such a wonderful buddy since 7

but,we did argued back in those days.all those naive thots bout being loyal to friends and stuffs,it just seem so amusing now.hahaha.and i just thot to myself.all those childhood arguments,which seemed so serious back in the past,when measured in a course of a lifetime,what do they actually mean?hahaha.

oooh.that sounded like some form of essay or stuffs,but haha.it was just all those thots that filled my mind for the past few days.all the nostalgic moments.how much we missed them.how much we had forgotten bout them.how much they meant to us.

ahahaha.its such a long entry.but ahh..back to promos rev.haha.quite a goner lar..zzzz.howHowHOwHOW?haha.i dunno how things will be like,but yup.sometimes.u just have to try ur best and nth else.haha.

okok.sorry for taking up so much of your time.hahah.

2005-09-29T00:58:00.000-07:00

probably the reason why studying hasnt been going well at the moment
hollywood hulk hogan with a title belt.haha.i want those wonderful memories back in life

i dont know what to say at the moment.im feeling pretty relaxed at the moment.i wonder if i will stil feel the same way exactly 1 week from now?i need to hit the books.yes.i know.ppl had been urging me to.butButBUtBUT..how?

ahh.well.flipped open the papers in the morn.read about it.an adrenaline rush.i wanted so much to step back into it.i stood up.but i found myself stuck in a damned state.i missed it.i missed the way i used to feel.i took a peek off the walls of my room.the drawings i did just before O's to spur myself on.oh how foolishly amusing they were.but did they help?well,maybe.haha.so i attempted to study.but nonetheless.i went on my sofa,laze arnd and was stuck to that screen till late evening.haha.those familiar red thing surrounding a patch of green.the familiar scenes.it just seemed like i was back.there was this awkward feeling in me.i want to shout it out to the world.but then,who would have listened?

no school till wednesday may be a good thing,but well,not exactly.studying needs to be done with discipline which i clearly lacked.hahah.i need some discipline.please.grant me some.hahahahah.got a msg from jag not too long ago.it just got me thinking.sighh.wad can we do about it?wad can we do to avert this inevitable truth.one week left.how much cna be done?but well.just do ur best dude.im sure all will be fine.

i read that entry.it got me thinking even more.hahaha.oh mann.if only i could transfer all these energies to concentrate on some productive mugging.hahaha.but oh wells.i dunno wad it is actually.but i just felt sth wasnt right.it's weird.but,i dunno.hahaha.

yup.just hope that things will be fine for you, you and you.takecare ppl and keep the faith yup.all will be fine man.haha.till den.

Every memory of looking out the back door

I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor

It's hard to say it, time to say it

Goodbye, goodbye

what a song by nickelback.

2005-09-26T23:23:00.000-07:00

to the wonderful faces which happened to appear on the screen,you guys are dearly missed.

GP was super depressing.plain and simple.time was a crucial factor.the paper was hard.but.no excuse.simply.its the first sign of imminent bad omen.that old damn pendulum is swinging,ticking time away.come wednesday.i will know how bad everything is.i have nothing,no one,but myself to blame.

2005-09-23T22:29:00.000-07:00

oh whats wrong with that hair?

so that dreary promos is edging closer and closer,had that sudden urge to just come up here and post an entry.perhaps it's the boredom of mugging,but then again,did i even mug for just an hour a day?hell no.not even a second of my 24 hrs was spent on mugging.im a goner.i really dunno how it feels like sitting down in the hall,staring in blank space,dont know how to do any question at all.well,maybe i know how it feels.so..0.5 marks for my alkenes/arenes test.haha..record low.can u believe it?0.5.chongster was stunned by my results.so am i.well.frankly,i hope i cld have gotten a mark or two.hah.but well..dead-ed.

and with my shaved head which stunned all my family members that fine and faithful mon aftnoon.haha.but mann.it just made me feel so cooling up there under a hot sun,but at the same time,the scorching sun nowadays burnt ur scalp.finally understood that hair is not just for styling.hahah.but its annoying sometimes.

oh an encounter with a cabby not too long ago as i rushed home from school.tt was it man.he was like asking."now jc can study unlimited yrs arh?you retained until cannot make it,shaved in hope for the better is it?"haha.oh man.thankyou sir.but no thankyou.i hope i wont get retained this year.

another encounter with a security member at JE interchange not too long ago too.was carrying this big bag loaded with my clothings and a notebook in it.was really heavy and the fatigue from working overnight at sb's lodging to complete the WR was so annoying,but things were made worse when the guard stopped me,indicating that he needed to check my bag.i obliged and put my bag on a table top nearby and he searched through it.upon seeing a bag full of clothing and a notebook,he finally let me off and whispered this to me,"nowadays ah..so many terrorism acts..must be sure of everything..".i was left baffled as he handed over the bag and left.

well.all those happened back when my hair was at least half or less the length it is now.

damn.but back to reality as im stucked in piles and piles of undone tutorials and the piles and piles of notes.maybe,retaining will be a gd choice for me.but should i take this path?i really have no idea.i hope not,but have to leave it all in god's hand as i meet my first paper on tues.till den.

because maybe
you're gonna be the one who saves me
and after all,
you're my wonderwall

indeed,you're my wonderwall.and i meant it,really.

2005-09-13T02:07:00.000-07:00

..closing time,every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..

an end of era at diaryland saw off a new beginning over here.a new blog site, hopefully a brand new start to my life. maybe you're right after all, those black backgrounds, make my blog even more dreary given the contents which were present in it.

so it was all over,everything's a ok,thank god all's fine now and it was really a huge sigh of relief.so much worrying over the past 3-4 days,so much thinking,so much soul searching.it was all worthwhile.finally understood everything.well,maybe everything except school.

thank god for the wonderful family members i had,who held on and pressed through evrything together.mom's "it will be okay". made ppl tear more than ever, sis-es' silence just made everything seem simple.awkward,but simple.it just made me love this family i have more and more day by day.

then again, maybe you're right.it's all about perspectives.you said ppl put so much emphasis on the number of bad things he had that he had long forgone the number of blessings he had.the family, the people who care, the good company and evrything.

anyhow, gotta thank you more than anybody else.thankyou for being around,listening to my whinings, i know how irritating it is.but then,this isnt the first time for you to put up so much for my whinings. thankyou for all the re-assuring statements, the number of "dont worry", the number of "it'll be okay".they definitely made stuffs much more simpler.the night was tormenting but the chat just killed evrything. the "unglam" lingo..haha..i cant imagine how things would have been without you.how gone case i would have been.thankyou so much,really,cant put it down in words,but hope you will understand.but right now,just hope that you'll be able to recover fast and get well asap.takecare.

oh,also not forgetting you man.haha.wonderful person who gave me just so many advices and help.glad that you finally gotten what you want.haha..wakeboarding on a sunday aftnoon.wad a hella good time dude.hahahah.but thanks so much for your help.you're certainly and the most undeniably "Great Teacher Onizuka" . finally understood the meaning of "fighter" and "loser". haha.all thanks to you man.takecare and may evrything goes well for you.

coming to an end as i peer over and saw a half completed tutorial to be completed by tomorrow.oh how unglam.but mann,im in no mood to do anything now except to lie down on that wonderful bed and count the number of blessings i had.